I went to the doctor today because of concerns about possible thyroid issues and not being able to conceive after 11 months of trying. Several friends and my sister in law have all been to this particular doctor and have had very positive things to say about him. This was actually my second visit, but today he had a more profound impact on me than my first impression. Before I get into what I really want to write about, I didn't get any definite answers to why I'm tired all. the. time. But, he wants to do blood work soon to rule out thyroid issues and anemia. And he was really encouraging about us starting a family, even though it's taking longer than I ever imagined. We're going to give it a few more months before moving forward with a specialist.
During our visit, the doctor kept quoting Scripture and relayed the story of Gideon to us. He said, "If you had gotten pregnant right away, you might have taken the glory for yourselves, instead of giving the glory to God. Gideon started out with an army of 32,000 men and the enemy had an army of 135,000. God knew that when Gideon defeated the Midianites, he would take all the credit himself. 'Look what a good leader I am! I led these men to victory against this huge army!' But God had different plans. In the end, God whittled down Gideon's army to just 300 men and led them to victory in a battle that would have been 450 men to 1. God got all the glory for it, too." Our doctor encouraged us to trust God and relinquish all control to Him so that He gets all the glory when we become parents. I like the sound of that a lot.
He also quoted Isaiah 40:31, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...they will run and not grow weary...". He explained that the word "wait" in this scripture was talking about someone with their hands bound together, unable to break free or do anything. They have to wait for someone else to come and set them free. We are helpless except to wait upon the Lord to move. When He is ready, He will come and set us free, but in the meantime, during the waiting, we must hold on to hope and be renewed! We must trust that He will be faithful to rescue us! Through the waiting, there is refreshing. Strength rising as we wait upon the Lord. The part about running and not growing weary ties right in with another Scripture that I've been standing on: Hebrews 12:1-3, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Throughout this past year, I have had such highs and lows. Twenty five of my friends, family and co-workers have either had a baby or become pregnant. It's been a hard pill to swallow at times, seeing them so full of excitement and anticipation, preparing for the changes to come. It's especially hard to listen to them complain about feeling like a whale or having indigestion or getting to those last few weeks and praying that the baby would come early so they wouldn't be miserable anymore because I'd give anything to be big, fat and pregnant right now if it meant I'd have a sweet baby in my arms as a result. Sometimes I've thought my pms symptoms were those of pregnancy and have enjoyed feeling nauseous because it meant that my dream might be coming true.
Even though I'm still in the process of waiting and my hands are tied until God says, "It's time!", I want to give Him the glory now. If it weren't for these past 11 months, I wouldn't have this compassion for women who struggle with infertility. I wouldn't have this kind of relationship with God and started praying Scripture over my family and myself. I wouldn't have met this wonderful doctor whom I'm greatly looking forward to delivering my baby. I might not have cherished these last few months of "singleness" with Alex and let them slip by, taken for granted. I wouldn't have learned all the many lessons that God wants me to understand through all of this.
Thank you, Lord, for the times of waiting. Even though it's so hard to be patient and it's so easy to get caught up in a pity party of despair, You give me hope. You have good plans for my life, not plans to harm me. I rejoice in You in the midst of sorrow because You are still in control. I give You all the glory and praise for being with me in this season, because a time of harvest is coming and it's going to be awesome!