Everyday Treasures

I started taking Natalie to story time at the library a few months ago and her normally wiggly, always-on-the-move self did really well sitting on my lap through a few stories and songs. It had been several weeks since we'd been able to go, so I got us ready to go today only to find out when we got there that last week was the last one before summer activities started. So, we checked out the pet bunny rabbit and played with toys instead!

Sidenote: anyone who has spent time with Natalie in real life knows that she has a bunny lovey that she must have to go to sleep. I affectionately (and I use that term loosely) refer to said lovey as "skanky bunny" because she chews on the ears and they smell disgusting, even after it has been soaked in vinegar and washed. I tell you that to say that she already has a thing for bunnies, but she also is just an animal lover in general. Being raised with Layla, who is the absolute perfect dog a kid could ever want (mommy feels a little differently about her after she has repeatedly done some disgusting, naughty things that I have had to clean up after), has probably nurtured that love and fascination for animals.

So, back to the library story. I was holding Natalie when we walked over to the rabbit's cage and oh.my.goodness. The look of sheer delight and surprise on Natalie's face was PRICELESS. Her jaw hit the floor and then her face lit up with a huge smile and she couldn't wait to get a closer look. I fell in love with her all over again. Nothing can compare to a child's sense of wonder. Not only did seeing that bunny probably make her day, seeing the look on her face made MY day.

Once I'd had enough of the germy toys it was time to go, we washed our hands and headed to the car. Natalie seemed to really be enjoying the warm weather, so I decided to let her explore the children's garden across the parking lot before leaving. I forgot my camera today, but these are pics I took of Natalie at the children's garden when she was 8 months old. I can't believe how much she has grown up in the 8 months since then!

 

While we were there, Natalie saw a bumblebee among some short little flowers. She sat right down on the sidewalk to watch it for a minute and the moment just struck me. As I had been trying to move her along through the garden, she took time to notice the little details, the new surrounds and new creatures around her. She did not have an agenda. She wasn't concerned about the errand I wanted to run before heading home for lunch. She was living in the moment. She even took a seat in an unlikely spot so that her curiosity in that little bee could be fulfilled. And when she saw the rabbit inside the library, she was filled with such pure joy over a seemingly simple surprise.

How often do I live in the moment? How often do I notice the little things, much less take joy in them? Time passes so incredibly quickly and so much of it is wasted on being in a hurry, being mad, having an agenda, just trying to make it til nap time, cramming as much stuff as I can into a day to accomplish as many things as possible. I strive to be more intentional in my time with Natalie and to soak up who she is while she is little, and then I look at those pictures above and realize that time STILL sneaked up on me and she is most certainly not that little baby anymore. 

Lord, help me to see the treasures You've hidden around me in my everyday life. Help me to not take them for granted. Help me to nurture the appreciation that Natalie has for these treasures so that she will always continue to live in the moment and be intentional with her time and interaction with others. 

Every day is a gift, even when things don't go as we've planned, when nap time is too short, your husband pointed out one of your flaws and hurt your feelings. There is always something new to learn, something that God wants to tell us if we'll listen. His love is never-ending. His mercies are new every morning. He loves me. He loves you.

I Survived the Encounter Retreat!

After a few years of flat-out refusing to go on one of my church's Women's Encounter retreats, I finally broke down and agreed to go. I must tell on myself and admit that when I first heard about the retreats, I thought that the leaders were going to ask the Holy Spirit to show them all the sin in my life and then they would call me out on it. Now I'm relieved to admit that no such thing happened to me last weekend when I went on the Encounter and now the leaders and I can laugh at my crazy idea!

In the weeks leading up to the retreat weekend, I felt a lot of anxiety, which is not at all like me. I was afraid of being vulnerable with women that I don't normally spend time with (another trait that is uncharacteristic of myself). I even fought tears several times during a casual time of fellowship with other women who had been on or were getting ready to go on a retreat just because I was so afraid of what might happen to me over that weekend. I was warned on multiple occasions that I would cry the "ugly cry" and that I should pack lots of tissues. Sounds refreshing, right??? Thankfully, as the time approached, my anxiety waned and I looked forward to fellowship with other women and some time away from my normal routine and the demands of a toddler, although I still hoped to avoid bawling my eyes out at any point during the weekend, ha ha.

I thoroughly enjoyed staying in a cabin overlooking beautiful Lake Cumberland, eating delicious "chick food" that I would never get away with fixing for Alex, and being surrounded by a wonderful group of women. We were told that the groups of women are divinely appointed to be on the retreat together and I couldn't agree more. I loved getting to connect with the three other ladies in my small group and ended up letting my guard down to tell them my struggles, even to the point of doing that "ugly cry", but only once! :)

I left feeling so encouraged and energized. I really didn't want the weekend to end. For two years, I have felt frustrated with some things involving leading worship at church. After my miscarriage in January, my frustration just vanished and I have been able to put my feelings aside, but I have still been missing some my passion for worshiping the Lord. On Sunday, when I got back from the retreat and walked into the sanctuary for worship team practice, I practically ran up to the keyboard with a huge smile on my face and an immense anticipation and expectation for God to use me to usher in His presence.

Tonight, the ladies that went on the retreat met for a post-encounter meeting and one thing we were told was that we will have to fight to keep the breakthroughs that happened on the retreat and not let Satan steal them away by telling us we were happier and life was easier when we believed his lies and were bound by his chains. The thought has crossed my mind a few times that I don't want to lose the excitement and enthusiasm that I found from working through some issues that weekend. I don't want to get caught up in the routine of life again and lose my focus. I am standing on the Word, believing for specific breakthroughs that haven't happened yet and I want to keep moving forward, closer to the Lord, closer to my victory! My family's victory! I never want to go back to the way things were before, when I did believe some of the lies of the enemy, when I was frustrated with so many areas in my life, when I lost focus. The lady leading our group tonight shared something that she had read in a devotional earlier this week and I just loved it. "When Satan (or his demons) lies to you, just laugh, because it is rude to not laugh at a joke." Satan has no power over my life or over my family. The things that bound us up in the past are broken and we're set free! My children will not struggle with the same sins that I have struggled with and their ancestors have dealt with because those chains are broken and I claim freedom in the name of Jesus! We're moving forward. The line has been drawn in the sand and there is no turning back. I'm so excited to have my passion reignited. My outlook is so much brighter. I looked at Natalie today and started speaking life over her and it felt amazing. My daughter is a child of the King. She will know that Jesus loves her and that He has amazing plans for her life and she is going to fulfill her destiny. I want to take my job as her mom more seriously and not let opportunities to speak into her life pass me by. I'm a work in progress, but praise the Lord, He won't give up on me and He is faithful to complete the work he started in me!

What Lies Beneath

On the surface, my life might seem perfect. People have even told me so. I am incredibly blessed with a loving husband who works hard to provide for us to allow me to stay at home, a precious daughter, parents who are still married (to each other), a home with room to grow. I thank God often for pouring out His blessings on me when I do not deserve them. But, despite what things look like on the surface, there are not-so-perfect things lurking deeper inside.

I hate that I struggle with having compassion, gossiping, judging, negativity, generosity. I wish I would keep my mouth shut when I hear the Holy Spirit prompt me to remain silent.

It's so easy for me to jump to conclusions about someone else's life and be critical of them, even though I know that I will be judged with the same measure that I judge them (Matthew 7:2: "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."). This is an area that I really want to work on. I have no idea what other people are going though, what their motives and intentions are. They are accountable to God for their own lives and I'm accountable for mine.

Take motherhood for example. Before Natalie was born, I would observe other mothers' interactions with their children and think about how I would follow their lead or act differently than them when I had my own children. I had so many ideas about how I would raise Natalie. I was going to be consistent, she was going to be well-behaved, I was never going to let her have sugar, she would be on a schedule, she would never watch tv. Once she was born, I quickly realized that motherhood was very different and much harder than I expected. At 10 months old, she is stubborn and sometimes needs to be corrected numerous times before finally being obedient (I'm sure this is very normal since she was not born knowing right from wrong, but silly me expected to have given birth to a perfect child who obeyed the first time. You are so naive, Amanda! I give you full permission to laugh at me!). She has never stuck to a schedule, nor do I know how to get her on one, but we have survived thus far. We have given her tastes of cake and ice cream, pie, brownies, and other sweets on many occasions. We do occasionally turn on Sesame Street when she is having trouble winding down for a nap or bedtime, but we do not use the tv as a babysitter. Despite re-evaluating my expectations, I don't feel like a failure as a mother (although I have my moments), but how foolish and wrong I was to ever judge other mothers for the decisions that they made! Sometimes it's simply a difference in personality that causes us to interact with our children the way we do. It's not that one way is right and one is wrong. One approach is not "good" or "bad". We each must do what we feel is best for our children, for our families, for our own sanity! More importantly, we must do what God has called us to do. My calling is not the same as the mom sitting next to me in the church nursery. Hers is not the same as the mom standing next to her in the grocery store. But each is as important in the eyes of God as the other.

The bottom line is, when I look at someone and jump to conclusions about what their life must be like based on their outward appearance, I need to stop and remind myself that they are a work in progress just like me, and that I don't know the first thing about what is going on in their life or in their heart. Maybe instead of judging them, God wants me to bless them. How can I be a blessing, if my heart wants to criticize them? Take a look in the mirror, woman! You don't have it all together either! Thank you, God, for not giving up on me! "For He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion..." Phillipians 1:6

Never-ending Faithfulness

I am a planner. I've had my life planned out from the ripe old age of, oh, seven or eight:) Go to college, graduate, get married, have babies. Well, maybe that's a very general plan, but it's all come together quite nicely so far. Sometimes things don't go as we plan, and it's really frustrating for someone like me who doesn't handle change very well. When things don't go the way I thought they were going to, I get all stressed out and my thoughts are consumed with figuring out how to get things back on track so they fit nicely into the compartments of my mind (men aren't always the only ones who compartmentalize!).

Recently, I was asked to pray about a part-time job opportunity that I had been hoping might come along. After praying for a week, I felt like God clearly told me to accept the opportunity, so, that's what I did. Lots of details were still up in the air, but God was providing for our finances and I was going to be challenged to grow in Him more than ever before. In the weeks since, details have changed and I've been stressed out to the point that I don't want to pursue the job anymore. But, then the thought occurred to me that I can't give up simply because I don't feel like dealing with change. God told me to do this, so I have to follow through. His will doesn't change along with my moods. And His plan is bigger and better than anything I can think up anyway! So, I'm sticking it out to see what's in store. I'd rather be obedient and experience a few growing pains than be selfish, take the easy road and miss out on the blessing of the Lord. God is faithful, He knows my needs, and He has a plan to meet those needs.

Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Isaiah 55:8-9: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Speaking of faithfulness, recently I have seen first-hand how faithful God is. Eleven years ago, divorce ripped Alex's family apart. His parents were devastated and helpless to watch as their ex-son-in-law moved across the country with his 3 sons - their only grandchildren at the time - cutting the boys off from the rest of the family. Last summer was the first time in ten years that Alex had seen his nephews. It almost seemed like too much to hope for that they would be allowed to come back again this summer for a repeat visit, but, God is faithful and He made a way! The boys just left after another wonderful two-week visit. I thought it would be really special to get pictures taken of all 8 grandchildren together with their grandparents so we could always remember that God will grant us the desires of our hearts and He is always working things out even when the situation seems hopeless. The timing couldn't have been more perfect either, because my in-law's 39th wedding anniversary is this Saturday, and we're getting this picture framed for them as a gift.

One more reminder of God's faithfulness is this precious little bundle of joy:

I've waited for her since I was that little seven year-old girl making big plans for her life, and boy was she worth the wait!

Nothing is Impossible

There has been some serious "stuff" going on in Alex's family lately and I haven't exactly been compassionate and loving towards the people that I should be. My attitude has been one of frustration, criticism, anger, and arrogance. I've prayed that my heart would change and that I would have the right perspective on the situation and God answered. Yesterday at church, we sang "Healer" by Kari Jobe. If you're not familiar with the song, here are the lyrics:

Healer

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

When we got to the "nothing is impossible" part, I started thinking about this situation in our family and how I've been saying that it feels like it's impossible for these certain individuals to change. They've made many bad choices, suffered numerous consequences, seemingly lost everything, and despite hitting bottom over and over, they still won't turn away from sin and ask God to redeem them. Yet, I am a sinner just like them, and God saved me. What if He had thought that I was a hopeless case? What if God had thought I was incapable of changing my sinful ways? Even though we tend to rank sins in order of their "horribleness", regardless of how great the consequences for sin may be, all sin separates us from God. So, I'm just as horrible and messed up as these people that I judge. These people that I struggle to love.

But then there's this song that says, "Nothing is impossible for You". They aren't a hopeless case. They can be saved. Their lives CAN be redeemed. Jesus died for every.single.person.on.earth. Including them. His blood is enough for them. His love is enough for them. Just because I can't wrap by little head around it and my poor human eyes can't see hope for their salvation on the horizon, doesn't mean that God is incapable. Nothing is impossible for God.

"For with God, nothing shall be impossible." Luke 1:37 KJV

And it is still my responsibility as a Christian to love them. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34. And I need to stop thinking of myself as better than them because I have my own sin to deal with. "How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Luke 6:42

I'm so thankful that "The LORD is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love." Psalm 103:8 NLT and that He didn't give up on me. That He is still working on me. That I can "be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Philippians 1:6 NIV. And just as these things are true for me, they are true for every one of us. Nothing can separate us from God's love, from His grace, from His goodness, from His salvation. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39 NIV. And just as God will never give up on me, I can't give up believing for the salvation and redemption of these loved ones.

Thankful for Answered Prayers

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope that you all enjoyed precious time with family and friends! I have so many things to be thankful for. Just yesterday, I saw the hand of God at work in our lives and it feels so amazing (more about that in a sec)! God cares about the little things. He loves the details. Why else would He have created a world with such a beautiful array of colors and creatures? He could have made everything in black and white, you know? Or He could have just made maple trees. Instead, He made about 100,000 different types of trees (just a random fact I Googled).

I've been listening to a sermon about why God created America and our history as a Christian nation. Some of the names were familiar from history class, but I had so quickly forgotten the details. The Pilgrims literally risked everything to gain religious freedom, but I'm too afraid to tell my family about Christ for fear of rejection and "feeling uncomfortable". I have so far to grow.

Despite my shortcomings, God loved me enough to save me and be in a personal relationship with me. He heard my prayers and recently brought Alex the opportunity to start a new position at work. My prayer had been that Alex would enjoy his work and would find favor with management. He has had favor in several situations over the four and a half years that he has worked for his company, but had become burned out from his current responsibilities. After growing up watching my dad work at jobs that he hated, that exhausted him physically, mentally and emotionally, I didn't want that for my husband or our family. My dad is an incredible man for sticking with it through the hard times and doing whatever it took to provide for us and I am so thankful for his sacrifice. He is a wonderful example to me. I was concerned for Alex because, #1: I wanted him to enjoy work and not dread going in every day and #2: I knew that the added pressure of being the sole financial supporter of our family once Natalie is born would only be magnified if he wasn't happy at work. Thank God that He provided this new opportunity! I'm so excited for Alex and can already see that he is happier.

Our second answered prayer was regarding me leaving my job at the bank to stay at home after Natalie is born. Some policy changes were recently made that would prevent me for getting paid for time that I've earned this year. I was anticipating the extra income to put into our emergency fund to give us some more financial security, but was told that the money wouldn't be coming after all. I prayed that God would work in my favor, but the decision was made and I had to live with it. Ok, no big deal. It would all work out. God would provide for our finances. Then, yesterday my boss told me that something else had worked out and that I would get paid after all! What a blessing! Thank you, Lord, for providing for us in Your perfect timing and for hearing our prayers! Finding our that we would be parents this year was an amazing gift and now my due date is less than five weeks away. What a blessing it is to anticipate her arrival and know that God is working out all the details so that it comes together just like He planned :)

Grateful for Gideon

I went to the doctor today because of concerns about possible thyroid issues and not being able to conceive after 11 months of trying. Several friends and my sister in law have all been to this particular doctor and have had very positive things to say about him. This was actually my second visit, but today he had a more profound impact on me than my first impression. Before I get into what I really want to write about, I didn't get any definite answers to why I'm tired all. the. time. But, he wants to do blood work soon to rule out thyroid issues and anemia. And he was really encouraging about us starting a family, even though it's taking longer than I ever imagined. We're going to give it a few more months before moving forward with a specialist.

During our visit, the doctor kept quoting Scripture and relayed the story of Gideon to us. He said, "If you had gotten pregnant right away, you might have taken the glory for yourselves, instead of giving the glory to God. Gideon started out with an army of 32,000 men and the enemy had an army of 135,000. God knew that when Gideon defeated the Midianites, he would take all the credit himself. 'Look what a good leader I am! I led these men to victory against this huge army!' But God had different plans. In the end, God whittled down Gideon's army to just 300 men and led them to victory in a battle that would have been 450 men to 1. God got all the glory for it, too." Our doctor encouraged us to trust God and relinquish all control to Him so that He gets all the glory when we become parents. I like the sound of that a lot.

He also quoted Isaiah 40:31, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...they will run and not grow weary...". He explained that the word "wait" in this scripture was talking about someone with their hands bound together, unable to break free or do anything. They have to wait for someone else to come and set them free. We are helpless except to wait upon the Lord to move. When He is ready, He will come and set us free, but in the meantime, during the waiting, we must hold on to hope and be renewed! We must trust that He will be faithful to rescue us! Through the waiting, there is refreshing. Strength rising as we wait upon the Lord. The part about running and not growing weary ties right in with another Scripture that I've been standing on: Hebrews 12:1-3, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Throughout this past year, I have had such highs and lows. Twenty five of my friends, family and co-workers have either had a baby or become pregnant. It's been a hard pill to swallow at times, seeing them so full of excitement and anticipation, preparing for the changes to come. It's especially hard to listen to them complain about feeling like a whale or having indigestion or getting to those last few weeks and praying that the baby would come early so they wouldn't be miserable anymore because I'd give anything to be big, fat and pregnant right now if it meant I'd have a sweet baby in my arms as a result. Sometimes I've thought my pms symptoms were those of pregnancy and have enjoyed feeling nauseous because it meant that my dream might be coming true.

Even though I'm still in the process of waiting and my hands are tied until God says, "It's time!", I want to give Him the glory now. If it weren't for these past 11 months, I wouldn't have this compassion for women who struggle with infertility. I wouldn't have this kind of relationship with God and started praying Scripture over my family and myself. I wouldn't have met this wonderful doctor whom I'm greatly looking forward to delivering my baby. I might not have cherished these last few months of "singleness" with Alex and let them slip by, taken for granted. I wouldn't have learned all the many lessons that God wants me to understand through all of this.

Thank you, Lord, for the times of waiting. Even though it's so hard to be patient and it's so easy to get caught up in a pity party of despair, You give me hope. You have good plans for my life, not plans to harm me. I rejoice in You in the midst of sorrow because You are still in control. I give You all the glory and praise for being with me in this season, because a time of harvest is coming and it's going to be awesome!

Answered Prayers

Have you ever prayed for a situation thinking that there were only two different ways that God could answer, such as yes or no, now or later, etc and then God surprises you with another alternative? While I was thinking about Sky's situation in my limited human mind, I felt like there were only two possible solutions, neither of which were fantastic. But God came through today like He always does and allowed the perfect decision to be made - one that nobody had really considered an option before. Sky will be staying right where he's at with his grandparents, but his mom will be moving to Kentucky to be near him and hopefully get a fresh start. We're all so excited about this since it means that Sky can stay in his current school (which he loves!), continue to have stability and a routine and have all his family around him to love on him. It means that he probably won't be staying at our house much, but I'll cherish the memories we made with him and we'll just have to go visit my in-laws at their house instead of at ours. I'm overjoyed at how today turned out and am in awe of my God who knows all things. I'm so glad that He has a plan for our lives and that those plans are far better than anything we could think up on our own!

Encouragement From The Story Of Hannah

My heart is so full, I don't know where to begin! My friend, Callie, has been a huge encouragement to me during a time when my body hasn't been working right, I've been stressed out, trying to praise God through the storm and stay positive that God's plan will prevail. Tonight, Callie shared a link with me for a sermon on Hannah and motherhood. (Here's the link to the sermon, and it's a free download) I listened to the message as I prepared beef stew for a crockpot dinner for tomorrow night. I was vaguely familiar with the story of Hannah, but now I know so much more than I did before! It just hit me that 1) God puts the right people in your life at the right time, as only He can do and 2) How crazy awesome is it that a women who lived thousands of years ago went through the same thing as me and God cared enough to put her story in His Word to encourage me today?!

I've always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I was probably 6 or 7 years old, I've counted down the years until I thought I might be married and have a family. Sometimes, it seems like fewer and fewer women my age look forward to being moms for various reasons and I feel kinda like a weirdo for having such an insatiable desire to have children. It breaks my heart and infuriates me all at the same time when people, especially Christians, tell me that I can't afford to raise more than two kids or that it's just so difficult to have a "big" family. I'm not going to go down that path because this post will never end...

Hannah had an insatiable desire to have children, too, but she was barren. Her husband loved her and understood her pain and sadness, but he still decided to marry another woman who could give him children. Still, Hannah prayed and believed for a child, and God heard her and she had Samuel. And she rejoiced! Oh, how she praised the Lord! And then, God gave her 3 more sons and two daughters. I don't want to lose faith. I want to rejoice in all things, like Hannah. Sure, she wept, she was sad, she probably threw herself a huge pity party once in a while, too. She and I would have probably been good friends. Her story gives me so much hope, that, even though I struggle to stay positive sometimes, even though I have bad moments where I can't stop crying, God has the perfect plan for me and Alex and that we will become parents in His perfect timing. Looking back, I'm glad that things didn't happen the way we thought they would. God has used these last few months to teach me so much about my attitude, relationships and more. And I'm so thankful to have awesome friends there beside me to encourage me, pass down maternity clothes and baby gear for when my time comes, share Scriptures and sermons, and pray with me. God truly puts the right people in our path right when we need them, and for those people, I am so grateful.